September 26, 2017 – Believe.


Nothing is harder than watching someone you love battle a scary disease. Today my Mom continued her fight against breast cancer by undergoing surgery.

Last night I couldn’t sleep, my mind wouldn’t stop racing. Truth be told I haven’t slept well in a while. I woke up at 4am with tears just streaming down my face. I felt emotional. This would be the first surgery that I wouldn’t be able to be there with her, that was difficult for me. Tomorrow I have to fly out to Toronto for a business trip. It was too hard for me to try to get to Massachusetts for the surgery today and get back to NYC in time for my 7am flight tomorrow. I was overwhelmed by guilt. I felt sad. I kept thinking the worse. What if something happens and I wasn’t there? My brother calmed my fears though, he took the train from NYC to Mass last night to be with her. I was grateful he was able to go, it made me feel better about leaving.

I had to stop myself from allowing my mind to think so negative. I had to reset. 

My commute in to work today was uneventful and the same as it always was, but today I felt different. As I looked around the bus and train I wondered how many people were going through the same thing as my Mom, as my family. Probably a lot. 

We are all so different, and yet we’re the same. No matter who are, or who you meet, everyone is going through something. It doesn’t matter if it’s a surgery, a bad day, or even a happy one. Everyone is going through something. The looks on people’s faces, their body language, it all tells a story about who they are and what they may be going through. I saw one woman holding back a grin looking at her phone, she wanted to burst with excitement, she was happy. Maybe she just found out she got a new job, maybe she was looking at a picture of a loved one, maybe it was a simple conversation that she was thinking about. I’ll never know but looking at her made me smile. I could feel her joy, her excitement, I was happy for her. I also saw people who were sad, uncomfortable, angry, annoyed. I loved it all! 

Life is great, but life can be hard. There’s so much you can’t change, can’t control, even though you want to. I wish I could cure my Mom myself, but I can’t. All I can do is believe that she’s going to be ok. Believe it with every ounce of my heart and soul. And I do. I believe. Believing gives me hope, faith, keeps me positive and living in the moment of gratitude. 

Belief is powerful.

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September 23, 2017 – Experience.

“Good decisions come from experience, and experience comes from bad decisions.” – Mark Twain

I have learned a great deal from my past experiences; the good, the bad, and the heartbreaking. Every experience has helped create the woman that I am today and the woman I will become. Experience shapes us all, and the world around us.

The good experiences…are the ones I live for, the ones we all live for. The ones that fuel your passion, make you excited, make you feel loved, desired, and happy. They motivate you and encourage you to be better, do better, want better.

The bad experiences…are the lessons I have grown from, the ones that knocked me down and tested my strength. The ones that tried to destroy me, but shaped my soul. The necessary evil that challenges us, pushes us, defines us and helps us grow.

The heartbreaking experiences…are the loss we must all go through; death, sickness, breakups, fear, stress, depression, negative thinking. Heartbreak also brings with it strength, understanding, love, clarity and gratitude.

Lately I’ve thought a lot about my life, reflecting on who I am. But who am I?

My past was filled with a lot of bad experiences. I struggled to get through them, and at the time I didn’t understand why. Like many, I battled with depression at a young age. It was a fight. I didn’t want to feel depressed, or defeated by what was happening to me and around me, but it seemingly always got the best of me. I was defenseless and felt alone. When you’re young emotions are scary, overwhelming, and hard. Not knowing how to handle my emotions I unknowingly turned to food, to sugar, to escape my feelings, to numb my pain, and it worked. In my family, I was always the strong one, the one people turned to, the problem solver, motivator, comic relief, I was the rock. I would sacrifice myself and my own needs to be there for others. More than anything I believed that I was strong, that I had a good head on my shoulders, that I could get through anything, that nothing bad phased or even bothered me. I was wrong. I lived in denial for many years, not realizing what I was doing.

In 2011 my whole life changed. I remember it well. It was summer, my family was about to go to our annual family reunion in New York. My oldest brother, who lives in London, called me, he needed to talk. When he called he told me he was nervous about the reunion and finally admitted that he was an alcoholic and decided to give it up once and for all and begin his path to recovery. He explained his addiction to me in grave detail, his emotional battles, his sacrifices, his scars, how it all began, everything.

My heart broke for him. My extended family are all big drinkers, an intimidating situation for someone with a problem. I understood. He knew I didn’t really drink, so he knew I could help support him, and be there for him every step of the way, and I was with every ounce of my heart and soul. I don’t drink now.

I knew my brother had problems with alcohol for a while, I knew it was getting bad. The previous Christmas was scary.  Living so far away from him was difficult for me, I didn’t know what to do or how to help. I feared the worst. It was the first time in my life that I couldn’t help someone that I loved. All I could do was pray and tell him how much I loved him. I had to learn to trust and believe that he would one day help himself find peace and be OK. It was one of the hardest experiences I ever had to go through. When you want to help someone so desperately, but you can’t. I wanted to fix it, I wanted to heal him, I wanted to protect him.

When he told me he was sober, I believed him. Talking to my brother that summer was different. He had been sober for a few months at that point but kept it to himself. He attended AA meetings regularly and worked the program. The biggest battle for him was facing the emotions he had avoided for years. AA couldn’t help him with that, he had to work through them on his own, and it was difficult, but he was finally ready to face reality of the choices he made, the experiences he went through, and accept them for what they were.

It was during that phone call, in that moment, as he talked that I realized something, we were the same person. We both didn’t deal with our emotions, we both pretended like everything was fine, we both masked pain under humor. But I couldn’t be an addict because I didn’t drink…right?? I could relate to everything he was saying, it was strange. Then something clicked. I realized I was using food to numb my pain the same way he was using alcohol to numb his. I joked about it to him. Telling him I was the same way but food was my outlet. I remember him reading part of his 12 step book to me. I cried because it was exactly how I felt.

I wondered, could I be addicted to food?? Is that even a thing?? After we hung up I started to think about everything. About my experiences, the emotions I wasn’t allowing myself to feel because I didn’t want to feel them. I thought a lot about food. I thought a lot about the fact that I think a lot about food.

At this time in my life I working full time for a news station but I also had my own cake pop business on the side that I started late 2009. When I started this business it was before all the cake pop hype, it was new and different and so my business was thriving. I struggled to keep up with orders, and everything was word of my mouth, I never advertised or marketed my pops. It was a very exciting time in my life. I also baked cakes and cupcakes for friends and family events. I loved baking, I found it to be fun and creative, but it was also therapeutic for me. Baking was my release of my emotions, my frustrations, my fears. I baked a lot, and ate a lot of cake in my day. I had to. I was testing recipes, they had to be right, I’m a perfectionist. The more orders I had to fulfill, the more cake I seemingly had to eat. It was becoming a vicious cycle.

Baking quickly became my anxiety, my burden. In August 2011 after I got back from my family reunion, I broke down. It was then I knew I really did have a problem with food, and not just any food, a sugar addiction. Here I was making money off the very thing that I was addicted too. What was I doing? I had absolutely no idea. I panicked. I tried to maintain my business, my passion, I didn’t want to give that up. But I also didn’t want to give up sugar. How could I? How the heck would I be able to do my business without eating my own products? It was a double-edged sword. That was a very stressful time in my life. There was a lot going on besides my business. My emotions were all over the map and I didn’t know how to deal with them without food.

I remember telling my parents I was addicted to sugar and couldn’t control myself. My addiction was bad. I binged on sugar and I didn’t even realize what I was doing, and yet I did it every single day. My mother’s advice to me was just to “stop eating sugar.” She didn’t understand, she didn’t take me seriously. I can’t say that I blame her for her lack of support at the time. I didn’t understand it either. My brother was the only one who understood my addiction, but he lived on the other side of the world. I was grateful to have his support, but at the same time he was dealing with his own addiction problem, and I felt like I was going through mine alone.

That September one of my friends asked me to create blue bear themed cake pops for a baby shower in October. Despite what I was going through I said yes. I always said yes. I could never say no, it was a problem. I should have said no. I tried to just “stop eating sugar” and I couldn’t. It was like I was a mad man, severely depressed, completely overwhelmed by my emotions, it was a total disaster. I felt like I had to have sugar to survive, I couldn’t live without it, and that scared the hell out of me.

I ended up having a nervous breakdown at the end of September. Physically and mentally broke down. I didn’t have the support that I needed, I didn’t have the tools I needed to get through it. I couldn’t even imagine what life would look like without sugar, and I didn’t want to give it up. I knew that if I did, I would have to also give up my dream, my business. The week of the baby shower I canceled the order, took two weeks off from work and checked myself into an eating disorder rehab facility. I told my friend that I was sorry, but I was sick and I couldn’t do it. She was obviously very upset and for good reason. I offered to buy her something else in place of the pops, to make it right, but she declined. I was devastated, it was the last thing I wanted to do, but felt like I had to do it to save myself from myself. No one knew what I was going through. I was embarrassed.

The rehab facility was an outpatient program. I had to go there every day from 8am to 6pm, and it was a very detailed scheduled. We kept journals, and attended therapy sessions, workshops, and lots of 1-on-1s regularly. We had to eat breakfast and lunch and a snack in front of them. Something I didn’t like to do. Even though I was a confessed sugar addict they wanted me to face my fears and made me eat dessert after every lunch. I ate brownies every day. I didn’t want to do it, but I understand why they wanted me to. I had often skipped meals and only ate once a day, which usually resulted in a binge, so eating every meal was actually difficult for me. I cried. It ended up being too much food and I didn’t want to eat it. I was clearly broken. They also weighed us every morning to monitor our weight throughout the process. Most of the women there were anorexic or bulimic, so I understood why they were doing it, but I hated it. When I first saw the number on the scale I started to cry. I was in shock. I hadn’t weighed myself in years.

I didn’t realize how big I had allowed myself to get. I didn’t realize how much control I had given up to my addiction. A lot of people would ask me “how did you not notice you were big?” My response was always the same, make a joke, change the subject. What I wanted to say was that its actually very easy to lose sight of who you are when you don’t see yourself. I was very good at avoiding myself. I avoided scales and mirrors, I lived in jeans and sweaters that masked my body. I didn’t talk about it, ever. When you live in denial it’s easy to NOT see it.

After completing my outpatient treatment, I felt a little better, but I was long ways away from healing. This would only mark the beginning of my journey to ’emotional sobriety.’ They gave me the tools to be able to deal with stressful situations in healthy constructive ways, but what didn’t help me was eating brownies every day. For me, eating sugar every day when I was trying to become free of my sugar addiction, made me not be able to get past it mentally. Well if they think I should eat sugar, then I should right? That’s what I kept telling myself to rationalize the sugar that I would eat every day after that. My two weeks were over, and I was back in the real world, having to face my real problems again. I was very unhappy in my life at that time. I didn’t know how to proceed. I didn’t know that I wanted to. I felt like giving up. I had demons, and I couldn’t conquer them and still do what I wanted to do. It broke my heart.

After a few more months of being depressed and feeling awful, and eating sugar. I snapped. I couldn’t do it anymore, any of it. The only person that could help me, was me. I was in control of my own destiny. If I was going to get better I would have to make the decision to do so, and commit to it, on my own. That’s exactly what I decided to do. I decided I had to quit eating refined sugar. It was poison to me. Unfortunately that also meant I had to give up my dream of being a baker. I couldn’t bake anymore. I had to stop, I knew it was bad for me. And I was devastated.

On December 31, 2011 I ate all the sugar. I was about to give it up completely. I wanted to start fresh, to start off a new year with a new found hope. I committed myself to my ‘sobriety’ from sugar. I would make the decision to not only give up refined sugar, but also start a blog about my experience in hopes that one day I could help inspire someone else who was just like me.

January 1, 2012 Began my journey.

That same month I decided to start seeing a therapist who specialized in eating disorders. On my very first session the therapist asked me if I ever read the book, The Secret. I said no. She suggested that I read it ASAP. I’m like yeah, yeah, yeah, I’ll get right on that lol She started talking about this book being life changing, how it’s helped so many of her patients. I kept thinking…it’s a book. Who cares lol The next week I had another session with her, frankly she was starting to annoy me. I wanted to focus on my problems and how to deal with them and she brought up The Secret in the first 30 seconds again lol “Did you read The Secret yet?” I said no. She asked me why. I said I didn’t have time. She said it was quick and easy read. I was like well I don’t want to read it lol She was like “Just read it!” She was adamant, and slightly aggressive lol I was annoyed and wasn’t going to come back.

That afternoon I left and drove around to think. I really wanted a coffee from Starbucks so I drove to the one that was closest, which also happened to be part of a Barnes & Noble book store. I love books, and that is one of my favorite stores, its like my mothership lol Anyhow, I walked into B&N and the first thing I see was a legit giant display of The Secret. I’m a strong believer in signs. I think everything happens for a reason. I believed I was meant to read that book. I remember saying to myself “ok ok I’ll read the damn book!” haha So I went I bought it and then I got a coffee went upstairs sat on a comfy chair and started to read it by the window.

I’ll never forget the day I bought The Secret, because me entire life literally changed…from a book, just like my therapist said it would. I never went back to her, I never saw her again but it was as if her only purpose in my path was to get me to read that book. I read the whole book in one day. I couldn’t put it down. I wasn’t sure what the heck just happened lol This book is about the law of attraction. The power of positive thinking. Becoming aware of negative thoughts and emotions. How negative attracts negative and positive attracts positive. I was doing it all wrong! I was negative. I had negative views about sugar, my job, where I lived, friends, family. There was a lot of negative energy around me, and it was making me negative. I was also very negative about myself. I was hard on myself.

I decided to test out The Secret; Ask. Believe. Receive.

Ask…the universe for what you want
Believe…that it’s coming to you (even if you don’t know how)
Receive…what you asked for (feel as if you already have it)

It’s like placing an order on Amazon. Find what you want. Order it. Know that it’s going to be delivered to you. You don’t doubt you’ll receive an item you purchased right? It’s the same for the universe. You can’t doubt it, you have to believe completely.

I asked the universe for a new job, a new apartment, and a lot more money. Since you have to act like you’re receiving what you asked for I packed up my stuff in boxes because I believed I was moving. I told people I got the job that I just applied for, even though I had no idea. I also told them it came with a nice raise, again I had no idea. I also started looking for apartments. Not just any apartment, it had to be the price I wanted, on the first floor, one bedroom apartment, close to work, with a nice kitchen, good closet space, and handicap accessible for my grandparents, I was their caregiver.

The first apartment I saw, checked all my boxes. I put in an offer and was approved.

My parents thought I was crazy, I didn’t even get the job yet.

I didn’t care. I just believed.

Two weeks AFTER moving into my apartment, I got the job, I also got the raise.

I told my parents, I told you so 🙂

They were disbelief.

I’ve used The Secret many times in my life. I carry it with me in my purse. Sounds crazy, I’m aware, but it became my saving grace. When I’m feeling negative I’ll read a chapter or two. Or I’ll watch the movie version, which is currently on Netflix haha It helps me reset my energy from negative to positive. It helps me stay in a state of gratitude for the blessings that I’ve been given. It helps me believe in myself, my future, and especially my dreams. The Secret brings new experiences and lessons into my life every single day.

This past July my sister-in-law yelled at me. Hard. It definitely threw me for a curve lol  She was frustrated with me because I hadn’t dated anyone in three years and she wanted me to get over my fears, put myself back out there and go one some dates, she also said that I was too picky about guys. I said I have standards and I’m not willing to settle for anything less than I deserve.

Sidenote – In 2012 my Babci was very sick. I was her caregiver for 6 years. She was dying, and I knew it. On December 2, 2012, she passed away. I was destroyed emotionally. I have never felt more lost in my life than the day she died. I still think about her every day. My Babci was my best friend, one of the most beautiful and kind souls I have ever known. She knew me better than I knew myself. Her death sent me back into a depression. I didn’t know who I was without her. It felt like I had lost a child almost, I was the one taking care of her, I felt like I let her down. I had a lot of guilt about her death. At the same time I was unhappy in my new job, and I didn’t want to stay in Massachusetts. I wanted to leave. I needed to escape. I couldn’t be a caregiver anymore, it was too hard. Everything reminded me of my Babci, and it broke my heart. I felt dead inside.

Enter my ex. It was like he knew when my life wasn’t good because he would always come back in at the those times and then make it so much worse. But he was my distraction from my own life, and it was toxic. Of course it didn’t end well. Does it ever? The last time was my final straw. I had known him for 16 years, we dated on and off the whole time, and it was never good. I always knew he wasn’t worth my time or energy, he was always just a distraction. But I was finally done. I cut him out of my life completely. I felt free. I needed time to heal, to grieve, to find myself again, and find my faith in love again. Because of him I had a lot of fears about starting a new relationship, I had a lot of trust issues. I was scared. I am scared.

In the past three years I’ve completely changed my life. I moved from Massachusetts to New Jersey, working in New York City (utilizing The Secret of course!). I started over. I changed careers, leaving behind the world of television, and entering the world of experiential marketing. I got a new apartment, and a new beginning. I even started baking again. It was always my passion, and I couldn’t lose it. I was lost without it. I just needed to refine it, so I did. The difference now is that I don’t bake with refined sugar, instead I just fruit. I’ve had no problems at all with it and I couldn’t be happier about it, and about where it’s going! I’ve finally found myself again. It took me walking away from everything that was comfortable, and it was hard, to find myself again, and I’m grateful.

When my sister-in-law yelled at me, it wasn’t as if I didn’t want to date again, but I just wasn’t focused on anything but my health, career and my own goals of one day starting my own business again. But since she was really adamant about it, I told her I would try.

My dating history is a disaster. I know what I want in a man, but I was never able to find someone who exceeded my expectations. I wasn’t willing to settle for anything less than I deserved, because I didn’t want to go back three years and relive that pain all over again.

My non-negotiable standards. A man who is kind, sweet, thoughtful, well mannered, respectful of me and others, with an old fashioned soul, and a nice smile. A man who will not judge me for who I am, what I look like, what I like, or for my past, or the past of my family. I also want a man who has a good sense of humor and can make me laugh.

Enter Bumble. The day after she yelled at me I joined a dating app called Bumble lol I had no expectations. But I didn’t want to enter the dating world with a negative mindset believing that the man I wanted didn’t exist. So I believed that he did and I believed that I would find what I was looking for. I stayed positive.

Literally that night I saw a man who I thought was very attractive, and his profile description was funny “I’m looking for a girl who will let me eat all the cookies.” Since I gave up sugar I thought, I was the girl that would let him eat all the cookies lol He had a picture of himself wearing a knit winter hat that looked like a lion with ears. It looked so cute. I also own my own similar hat, only mine is a monkey lol I thought it was a sign. Taking a chance I swiped him right, which means add him to my likes! We were an instant match. On Bumble the women have to talk to a man they match with first otherwise they can’t respond to you. I told him I had a similar hat lol Yup people, that was my opening line. I had no idea what to say. But much to my surprise, he responded.

We ended up talking for a few days on Bumble, and then he gave me his number. I panicked. I liked him, I wanted to text him, but what would I say? lol I’m a classic overthinker. He was at a music festival that night and so I didn’t want to bother him so I waited until the next day to text him, and I believe my opening line on text was “I hear you like festivals,” I probably would have deleted me right then and there lol

I was about to leave for vacation in three days. I had to drop that bomb on him. I liked him but I was scared that he wouldn’t want to meet me after telling him that. We ended up meeting for coffee the day before I left, he came downtown to me, he’s sweet.

When I first saw him I was nervous, he was really attractive, and tall (score! haha). He gave me a hug and kissed the side of my head. It was cute. We had a really nice time, I can’t explain the feeling but I felt drawn to him. We had an instant connection.

After I got home from vacation he asked when he could see me again, I thought that was really cute. I was excited that he still wanted to see me even though I had been gone for 10 days. In the dating world…that can be detrimental lol

We ended up meeting up that Friday after work. It was a truly incredible date. We had so much in common, more than I have had with anyone else in my entire life, it was weird. He would say something and I would just look at him and think omg me too, and vice versa. It felt as if the universe had aligned to make our paths cross. It was surreal. We were like the same person. It was the best feeling in the world. He even walked me to the bus station, even though his train station was across town. He’s an old fashioned soul. We had such an amazing time that he couldn’t wait to see me again and asked if he could see me the next day, I didn’t even hesitate, my answer was yes.

I wanted to get to know this man, I wanted to see what else we had in common, I wanted to know if this was too good to be true. The next day I met him in the city, he took me to his favorite pizza place that we had talked about the night before, and he ordered my favorite pizza, Margherita. I thought he was so sweet for doing that. He’s a total gentleman, honestly the sweetest guy I have ever met. After pizza we walked around the city, stopped at Starbucks were he ordered an unsweetened iced passion tea..which had literally been my drink for years haha I was like add it to the list of things we have in common lol It was amazing.

We then went to Central Park, sat on a giant rock, and talked all night. I felt my walls just crumble around him, but I wasn’t scared. At this point I had told him so many things about myself that I was never able to tell other guys before.

Everyone has secrets. I have this blog for instance that none of my friends or family have seen or read before. It’s personal, and private and I don’t want to offend anyone or have someone take something I said the wrong way so I have never shared it with anyone, because I’m afraid. I never even told most people in my life about it. I told him. I haven’t shared the link with him yet, but I will.

I even told him that I make music on the side with my brother, another passion of mine. He never judged me for any of it, and I was blown away by his reactions. He was a genuinely good guy, with a good heart. I was in awe. I never even shared my music with my best friend. I was scared of being judged. That night I played one of my songs for him. I couldn’t even believe that I did that, but that’s how comfortable I was with him. I barely knew him and yet I felt like I could trust him with all my secrets. I felt like I could tell him anything and he would never judge me. It made me really happy. He called me his unicorn that night. He was my unicorn. It was the craziest connection I have ever felt in my life. I was grateful to have met him. That night was really magical. Our connection was unbelievable, and unexplainable. I was smitten. He walked me to the door of Port Authority. We kissed. It was perfect. When I was on my way home I sent him the link to my music, he loved it. That made me happy.

Our situation is complicated, and I don’t know what the future holds, or what any of this means, why he was brought into my life, or what will happen between us. I know that our connection is amazing and incredibly terrifying all at the same time. I’m scared he’s too good to be true, I’m scared of getting hurt. I’m scared I’ll lose him.

What I do know is that I will forever be grateful for the day that I met him because it renewed my faith and hope for the future. He is kind, sweet, thoughtful, well mannered man who is respectful of me and others, with an old fashioned soul, and a nice smile. He hasn’t judged me for who I am, what I look like, what I like, or for my past, or the past of my family. He has a good sense of humor and makes me laugh. He is a beautiful person inside and out. Just knowing guys like him exist out there means the world to me.

So who am I?
I’m a believer.

XOXO,
Michelle

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February 20, 2017 – Hello Old Friend.

To quote Britney Spears…
“It’s been a while. I know I shouldn’t have kept you waiting. But I’m here now.”
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I had it all planned out. At the end of 2016 I knew what my plan was for 2017. I was ready. I was motivated. I was excited to ring in the New Year…but everything changed on December 27th.

My twin brother alternates Christmas with his wife’s family, so this year we didn’t celebrate Christmas until the 26th. It didn’t bother anyone though because this was also my baby nephew’s first Christmas! Isn’t he just the cutest? We had a great Christmas!
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On December 27th my two brothers, my sister-in-law and my Mom were all sitting in the living room, and that’s when my Mom told us she had cancer. Suddenly everything changed. The tears just streamed down my face, I was in denial. My Mom had cancer twice before, both times beating it…when it came back I felt deflated, scared, broken. I didn’t feel like celebrating the New Year after that. I was no longer excited for 2017, I lost my motivation.

It’s been nearly two months since my Mom told us, she’s been back and forth to the doctors trying to figure out if she has another disease, Cushings, that would prevent her from having surgery. She has lung cancer. A tumor on each of her lungs. My Mom had lung cancer when I was in high school, and they had to remove 1/3 of her left lung. Now everything is uncertain, and it’s scary. There are so many variables, so many complications, so many hurdles and obstacles that my Mom will have to fight and overcome, and there are no guarantees.

I’m grateful to have a job that’s understanding and supportive. Somehow I will make it work to be there for my Mom every step of the way, and whether she has surgery or radiation I will be there for her recovery. On March 10th we go back to Boston to the Dana Farber Cancer Institute to set a plan in motion. I’m terrified. I’m trying to be strong. I’m trying to remain positive, but inside I’m just scared.

Whatever is meant to be will be and there’s nothing anyone can do to stop it. But for those of you still out there, who haven’t given up on me, I ask you to please keep my Mom in your prayers and send positive vibes her way.

More than ever I want to get my sh*t together because if something were to happen, I don’t want to be the way that I am now as the lasting memory for my Mom. I want to reach my goal and I want her to see me succeed and be happy. My problem is that it’s so hard for me emotionally to focus on myself when all I can think about is my Mom. I haven’t given up hope for myself. I’m still going to try to put my best foot forward every day. Somehow I believe everything will be ok…some day.

On a more positive note…or should I say fat girl note lol I have discovered hazelnut butter. Now, idk if any of you have ever tried hazelnut butter…which is legit just hazelnuts ground up…but if you like Nutella, and you’re like me and you don’t eat refined sugar..you’re welcome!!! It tastes like Nutella!! I added some cocoa powder and a few dates and well…I saw Heaven if only for a few moments! lol I’m writing down all my recipes and will share eventually, once I get all my eggs together!!

Anyhow, here’s hoping 2017 takes a turn to the positive, and the healthy.

XOXO,
Michelle

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October 16, 2016 – Work In Progress…

Why is doing nothing…so enjoyable? lol I honestly love doing nothing at all, with no plans, nothing to do, no commitments! Lately I’ve had something going on every weekend and well it’s exhausting haha I wish I could just retire right now, while I’m in my prime! How great would that be? I’d rather retire now, when there’s SO much I want to do, vs when I’m like 70 and have nothing planned but bingo, crossword puzzles, and lunch lol #IfOnly

Once my schedule dies down a little (basically next year lol) and the snow has snowed me in (happily!) and I am confined to my apartment (yay!) I will finally be able to get stuff done!! I shall put a sign on my door ‘Do not disturb’ and by door I mean social media and email since no one actually just stops by anymore lol Ugh I wish they did haha I wouldn’t mind a friendly visit from an unexpected visitor perhaps holding a delectable dip (alliteration, YASS!!!) lol I also miss the days of letters! I mean mail these days is BORING!! I actually get excited when I get a crappy magazine in the mail, at least it fills up my mailbox haha Anyone want to write me letters? I need a pen pal!

Anyhow…focus Michelle! My point is that I know I have big plans for my future, and I also know that I need a drill Sargent barking at me in order for me to get it done! There needs to be a call service where someone keeps calling you yelling at you until you get your list done…and if you don’t answer they knock on your door and yell at you. Basically I need a Jillian Michaels as a life coach/enforcer! lol She can keep her workouts to herself though cause ain’t nobody got time for that haha #DontJudgeMe
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My plan for 2017 is really coming together though and I’m proud of myself! I’m making a schedule/deadlines and will be holding myself accountable. I have put stuff off all year since moving to New York, and I can’t do it anymore. Next year will be completely different. I will finally finish projects I started years ago. I will meet my goals, personally and professionally! I will rise 🙂

As far as 2016 goes, I have lots to figure out in order to make schedules work for 2017, and right now I’m in a trial and error part of my life…cooking, working out, hanging out, working on projects…lots I have to figure out. I’m a work in progress, but I love the challenge.

Life is good!
HopefulAddict

 

 

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September 14, 2016 – My 2017 Commitment to Myself.

Is it too early to start planning for 2017? Lol I’m on a very big mission to figure out this whole work life balance because this past year has been a fail. Legit fail. My day looks like this…get up go to work (hour+) then work (8-10) then go  home (hour+) have dinner, watch TV, destress and then three or four days out of the week I work some more lol Ah NY. I love my job and I love what I’m doing and I also thought NY was so great that Id love that as well. However lol I’m so busy I can’t enjoy the city and when I have time on the weekends all I want to do is not a damn thing lol well sleep if sleep counts. This is living? 

Maybe it’s because I’m older now and I don’t party into the wee hours of the night and come to work hung over like many New Yorkers do…not my thing. I have no desire to party lol I don’t even have time or motivation to hit the gym and lord knows I need to.

Let’s talk about my butt for a minute shall we? Haha in NY compared to the beauties out here I’m like the beast in the castle waiting for some prince to true love kiss me to turn me back into a princess. How come no ones invented that diet? Anyhow I feel like I don’t fit in. The cute chunky girl isn’t desired in a city filled with models actors lawyers and millionaires…who knew? Lol I personally don’t give a crap about dating anymore. I don’t think I’ll find my dream man in this city anyways. But I don’t even have a crush and I know this will sound stupid but I like having a crush so it keeps me motivated! A goal of you will lol no crush and I’m like a chicken running around without its head haha I miss my old crush who was super into his health because we kept each other motivated. You would think I could motivate myself but the only thing I can motivate myself to do is not much in regards to fitness lol

When I was in Massachusetts I worked a 9-5 job. I didn’t love it. Here in NY with this ‘work so much you have life’ attitude…I don’t love it either. The only thing I love here is my brother my sister in law and my adorable nephew Brian!!!! Insert cuteness here…

How sweet is he? Those big eyes so curious about what’s going on! He’s my motivation now. I want to be the best Aunty I can, and the healthiest!! 

2017 is just around the corner but I’m starting to put into place a plan of action. Decisions will need to be made. I’m also working on some big projects that I intend to finish!!! I’m also going to try to start a weekend fitness/morning routine and get back to cooking on Sundays. Most importantly blogging. When I don’t blog I don’t process my emotions and well that’s why my ass is still this size lol. So I’m going to push myself to go back to the way I was and commit.

2017 I’m making a commitment to myself! 

Thanks for sticking with me all these years, you guys keep me going!

XOXO

HopefulAddict

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August 29, 2016 – Munchkin <3

My nephew is the best thing that has ever happened to my family!! He is pure joy and love!! This weekend he was baptized and it was a great weekend celebrating this cute little guy!!! He is just the best!!!!!!!!!!! ❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️

XOXO

Auntie Michelle ☺️

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August 27, 2016 – Anxiety

11 days ago I celebrated my 35th birthday. It’s hard to believe I’m 35 already! Where does the time go? Ah the classic question that everyone asks lol every birthday I stop and reflect on the year past and the year ahead. 

When I was younger I thought about what life would be like in my 30s. I fantasized about having a husband and kids a nice house, hosting Thanksgiving dinners and baking up goodies with the kids, movie nights with the family, arguing over where to go for dinner…you know normal stuff. But here I am 35 and I have none of that. The only thing I own is some crappy furniture inside an apartment that I rent. 

All my life I decided never to settle for anything less than what I deserved. When I was living in Massachusetts I didn’t want to find love because I didn’t want to settle down there I felt like I would be trapped in a crappy job making crappy money, so I didn’t date. Now I come to work in NYC this wonderful land of imagination, power and dreams…this is where I imagined my life beginning. But now it feels like I somehow don’t fit into this city and I’m feeling once again that I don’t want to settle down. It’s funny because back home the men were better but my job sucked and out here the men are terrifying, but my job is great. I’m frustrated. I’ve been here for almost a year and no prospects for love…but I’m starting to think it’s my fault, that maybe I’m not happy in the city and again feeling like this isn’t where I belong. I went to another psychic when I was on vacation in Massachusetts and she told me my heart chakra is blocked and that I was so destroyed by my last relationship that I’m not even really trying to find love. That I was afraid the same thing would happen again. All true. I try to convince myself that I’m fine that I believe in love that I’m not afraid to put myself out there again and then when she said that I felt like she saw through the lies I told myself. 

Ah birthdays. I hate them. I don’t care about getting older but every year that passes I think I’ll finally get what I want the American Dream the house the family..and every year I think I’ll get out of my own way and every year I don’t. I don’t know what’s wrong with me. I care more about helping others than helping myself and although it’s a noble trait to have it may also be my biggest downfall.

Either way, here’s hoping this year will be different.

Happy birthday to me! 🙂

XOXO HopefulAddict

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August 3, 2016 – What a Chakra!

In just a few weeks I’ll be turning 35. Crazy. I feel like my personal life is equivalent to a teenager, as in I’m just starting out lol I wish I had someone to share these joyous moments in my life, but alas I do not.

I recently went on vacation to Cape Cod. It was amazing! Beaches and sunsets all day long!
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But I also went to see a psychic…cause that’s how I roll and she told me that my heart Chakra was blocked lol What a chakra! Get it? haha shocker…get it? I know I’m super clever I can’t help it! But she said to unblock it, it would be $100! Yeah…no.
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She told me my last relationship ruined me so much that I was completely devastated and I don’t trust men at all, so much so that I don’t even really try to find a new relationship. I was like get out of my head, TRUE!! haha

It’s funny because I feel like I’m open to love, but she was so right about how I feel that I realized I’m not actually open to love. I live in fear because I’m worried about repeating my mistakes, or ending up with another man who breaks my heart.

Ah love. Why is love so complicated? Why can’t it just be as easy as, “I think I’ll fall in love today with the love of my life and live happily ever after!” lol Wouldn’t that be nice?

I think I’ve watched too much Bachelorette lol Team Luke for the win! (TV reference, unimportant to life in general, the end lol)

XOXO
HopefulAddict

 

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July 8, 2016 – Self Reflection 

I was watching Parks and Recreation on Netflix today (I have never watched this before but it’s hilarious!) and I couldn’t help but love the characters. I know TV shows are designed to make you love these people but it made me think a lot about my own life and how I choose to live it. It’s funny that a silly TV show can make you do that lol but it did!

I think a lot of people go about their daily lives with so many distractions that they lose sight of themselves. When you think about it when is the last time you stopped to think about what you like and don’t like? It’s been a long time for me. 

Lately I’ve been hating NYC in the summer lol The subways are like saunas it smells like garbage no matter where you go, the air is thick and polluted and I sweat before I get to work in those terrible buses and trains lol it’s not something I’ve liked at all. Ah NY the land of opportunity and promise yet I’m wondering how long I actually want to stay here.

The other day I was telling my best friend Mary about my commute and how much I hate it and she asked me, “If you were to move where would you go?” Such a simple question and yet she stumped me. I had no idea what it was I wanted or where I would go. So it got me thinking a lot and I did some self reflection although I still haven’t figure out the where or the why I have figured out that when it comes to my long term happy place, NYC doesn’t make the cut. It’s funny because I spent so long trying to get back here only to realize it’s not at all what I want anymore. 

The opportunities I have here in the big city are the reason I came here. Figure out my career and lay down the groundwork and move on. When my brother had a baby everything changed. I wanted to be close to him so I could watch him grow up. But now I don’t know if staying is right for me. 

Life. So many choices to make. I’m not worried about making the wrong choice because I don’t ever believe that there is such a thing. I think every choice leads you to another life lesson. A path you were meant to explore and grow from. I have no regrets in any decision I’ve made, but now I have to think about making some new decisions. 

Sitting down with a blank piece of paper and making a roadmap of all the great things I actually want in my life. Figuring out what would really make me happy, and where I would live that would bring me endless joy. I thought I knew all along, I thought it was NY. But I don’t think that’s the case anymore, and not just because of the commute. I find myself wanting a house and a family of my own somewhere nice near the water maybe. Parks and Recreation is all about this small town and I have to say I find small towns appealing. True there’s a lot less to do but having too much to do makes you want to do nothing.

My weight is a direct reflection of my own happiness. I found a career I love in a company I love and that makes me happy and I’ve been able to lose ten pounds! May not sound like much but it means I’m feeling more myself and that makes me happy. But there’s something missing and I’m not sure what it is.

I’m on a mission to find it and I hope all of you find what makes you happy too!

XOXO

HopefulAddict

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June 20, 2016 – Hello Motivation :)

When you’ve lost your motivation to get fit and healthy it can be hard to get it back but alas I have found my motivation again! This past weekend I went to Cape Cod to celebrate Father’s Day weekend with my Dad! My friend aka my crush ❤ also lives on the Cape. He was working all weekend, he works as a valet at a hotel l, but I went out to see him for a minute while I was there. Since I no longer have my own car I don’t have car insurance so my Dad gave me a ride LMAO I felt like I was in high school again it was hilarious. Anyhow I spent an hour with my crush, he gave me a tour of the hotel and introduced me to all his friends. The hotel was insanely beautiful, right on the ocean, completely amazing. I only stayed for an hour since he was working and when my Dad came to pick me up my crush went over to introduce himself lol they chatted for a few minutes before I walked over since he’s a valet he was on the other side of the parking lot when my Dad pulled in. I thought it was funny that he went up to my Dad, didn’t expect that lol And then when I got there my crush opened the passenger door for me Awww what a gentleman!! God he’s adorable lol I spent the next hour or so daydreaming haha 

It might have been only an hour but it brought back my motivation! I don’t know what the universe has in store for me when it comes to love but I know that I’m open to whatever comes my way and I’m excited for the future!!! Now that I’m motivated again to get my ass in gear I’m fully committed to putting myself back out there. Maybe even make a move on my crush 🙂
The world is filled with wonder.

XOXO

HopefulAddict

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