HELLO. HI. ALOHA. HOLA. BONJOUR. CIAO. KONNICHIWA.
Welcome to my blog! My name is Michelle and I am a sugar addict in recovery, because let’s face it, addiction is a lifelong disease!
I’m Not Hungry, I’m Addicted.
I used to use food as a coping method for emotional pain, which led me to become severely addicted to sugar. I thought about it every minute of every day. Sugar was my drug of choice, my poison. Whether I felt anxious, scared, angry or sad, I turned to sugar to “heal my pain,” and survive my emotional state. I even ate it when I was happy. Whatever I felt, I always felt it very deeply. But I wasn’t eating sugar because I was hungry, I was addicted. Sugar gave me the same rush as alcohol to an alcoholic, cocaine to a drug addict, sex to a sex addict. I would get high off of sugar, I felt happy, drowning away my sorrows with each bite. It was always temporary though, like an addict, I always had to go back for more. I could never get enough.
I finally reached my breaking point. Sugar was killing me and I knew I had a problem. My weight was at an all time high. I knew if I didn’t give it up and take back control of my life, I would die. So on January 1, 2011 I gave it up, cold turkey. I committed myself to a new life…a sugar free one.
Sugar addiction is just like any other addiction. I would have family and friends tell me to just “cut back,” as if that was an option. They simply did not understand or believe that I even had a problem, it was “just all in my head.” But I knew differently. I could never just eat a little sugar, it always had to be a lot. I treated my addiction the same way an alcoholic treated theirs. No alcoholic will say “I’ll just have one beer today,” it doesn’t work like that, you end up drinking a case. It was the same for me. It wasn’t just one doughnut, it was six, or one cookie, it was a whole package. There was no way to continue eating sugar without my addiction taking over. I had to go all in, and give it up completely, so that’s what I did. This was my new reality. My new life. My fresh start.
It hasn’t been an easy road. All addicts are emotional. Emotions are difficult to handle. Addicts avoid emotions. I knew if I wanted to be successful in recovery, I had my emotions head on. I could no longer pretend that I was feeling what I was feeling. I had to allow myself to feel everything, and it was very hard to do.
Every single day is a challenge for me. How will I feel today? What obstacles will I have to overcome? What emotions will I go through? Like other addicts I have good and bad days. The bad days are the ones that challenge my weakness, bring out my addiction. When I’m overwhelmed or anxious, when I’m sad and heartbroken…it makes me crave sugar even more. It’s in those times I have to work harder to get through it. You have to just put one foot in front of the other, and take one step at a time. I can’t worry about tomorrow, I can’t even worry about today. I have to focus on right now, living in this moment, and take it one day, one hour, one minute, one second at a time.
Addiction is a lifelong disease. It never goes away, you’re never really cured. That’s what I believe. If there was a cure I would be able to stop thinking about sugar and not feel weak around it, not feel out of control with it, but that’s not the case. People who suffer from addiction are often some of the most emotionally charged people in the world. We feel everything very deeply, we live passionately, and we have addictive personalities.
I started this blog to help myself work through all of my emotions associated with my sugar addiction. I needed an outlet to express myself freely, without judgement from the people who know me best. Even though my blog is public, my identity will remain hidden. I have chosen to not share this with my friends and family. This blog is like my own personal diary, that leaves me very vulnerable, so I choose to keep it just for myself. However, I want to use my story as a means to help other sugar addicts. My hope is that by sharing my struggles, my stories, my life, I can inspire other addicts to never give up, to know that they are not alone. I find that writing helps me work through my emotional state of mind, and process how I feel. It’s very important to me in my recovery and I believe it can help others as well.
This blog is an honest, personal journey of my sugar addiction recovery. The battles I face emotionally and physically, my constant struggle with my weight and food, and all the trials and tribulations that come with life. I’m taking you through it all.
Let the journey begin!
Anything is possible, even overcoming a sweet addiction.
MUCH LOVE XOXO
Michelle, aka Hopeful Addict