For years, I found comfort in hiding behind this anonymous blog, only ever revealing my first name. I wanted to protect myself from this cruel world that’s filled with judgement and ridicule. I feared the people I knew and what they would think of me. I was overwhelmed by my sugar addiction, and really depressed. I had lost control. I needed to talk about it, but I didn’t want people to judge me, so I started this blog. My safe space.
Being anonymous gave me my own superpower. I felt like I could talk openly and honestly talk about my struggles with sugar addition, without the fear of judgement. It was freeing. It was therapuetic.
I have only ever shared my blog with one person in 7 years. At first, the idea of sharing this blog with anyone who knew me completely terrified me. It was like handing over an unlocked journal to someone and asking them not to judge or reveal your inner most thoughts and secrets to the rest of the world. It’s personal. It’s very personal. I love my family and friends, but they can be judgemental at times, and I didn’t want to risk it, so I never shared it with them. Then last year, I met someone who completely changed my life. This person made me feel so accepted that I opened up completely and let them in, and I shared my blog. I never felt judged even for a second. That was a powerful moment for me, a turning point. We never talked about it after I shared the link. Truth be told we don’t talk now, and I have no idea if they ever even read it, but I have no regrets. I was able to trust again and that was major for me.
I finally learned to let go of the one thing that was always holding me back…fear. I’ve come a long way from where I first began. Fear was this powerful emotion that would easily control me and take over my life in a second if I wasn’t careful. It happened to me many times. I feared my emotions, which made me fear people, which led me to fear the world. It was self destructive.
I realized that the one thing I really feared was myself. My own thoughts about myself created this dissillusion within me that made me live in constant fear. I needed to take back control of my thoughts, of my emotions, I needed to get my power back. To do it, I had to let go of fear completely and replace it with something even more powerful…unconditional love.
Unconditional love has been my focus this past year. I’ve grown so much as a person. I’ve connected with myself on a deeper soul level and I’m learning to unconditionally love and accept me for me. It’s not an easy thing to do, but I get a little bit closer and closer to that love everyday. To me, the ability to love yourself, and others, unconditionally is the ultimate superpower that very few pocess. If I can learn to love myself unconditionally, without having to depend on anyone else to make me happy, or make me feel loved, detaching completely from expectations, then I know I will reach my highest state of happiness and truly feel free. That is my goal. Love is my goal.
Every day I wake up and practice love and gratitude for myself and this life that I’ve been given. It’s a new routine that has honestly changed my life. I don’t just think about what I’m grateful for, what I love, or who I love, I think about the reasons why. I let myself feel my emotions, and it feels great. I also practice self love, where I’ll stare at myself in the mirror and tell myself how beautiful I am, something I never did before. I always relied on other people to tell me if I was attractive or not. Seems silly when you think about it. Other people’s opinions shouldn’t matter. It’s my opinion about myself that matters, that’s the one that means the most. Don’t be afraid to give yourself compliments! It’s OK to love yourself, it’s OK to think you are beautiful, sexy, funny, smart, whatever it may be. EMBRACE IT! Me personally, I am all that and more lol
Soon I will share with you all the details of who I am, and what I look like. It’s time to remove my anonymonity and let the world in on my story. I’m working on a fun project for my “reveal,” and I’m loving it, hopefully you all do too! It’ll take awhile to finish, so stay tuned 🙂