To quote Britney Spears…
“It’s been a while. I know I shouldn’t have kept you waiting. But I’m here now.”
I had it all planned out. At the end of 2016 I knew what my plan was for 2017. I was ready. I was motivated. I was excited to ring in the New Year…but everything changed on December 27th.
My twin brother alternates Christmas with his wife’s family, so this year we didn’t celebrate Christmas until the 26th. It didn’t bother anyone though because this was also my baby nephew’s first Christmas! Isn’t he just the cutest? We had a great Christmas!
On December 27th my two brothers, my sister-in-law and my Mom were all sitting in the living room, and that’s when my Mom told us she had cancer. Suddenly everything changed. The tears just streamed down my face, I was in denial. My Mom had cancer twice before, both times beating it…when it came back I felt deflated, scared, broken. I didn’t feel like celebrating the New Year after that. I was no longer excited for 2017, I lost my motivation.
It’s been nearly two months since my Mom told us, she’s been back and forth to the doctors trying to figure out if she has another disease, Cushings, that would prevent her from having surgery. She has lung cancer. A tumor on each of her lungs. My Mom had lung cancer when I was in high school, and they had to remove 1/3 of her left lung. Now everything is uncertain, and it’s scary. There are so many variables, so many complications, so many hurdles and obstacles that my Mom will have to fight and overcome, and there are no guarantees.
I’m grateful to have a job that’s understanding and supportive. Somehow I will make it work to be there for my Mom every step of the way, and whether she has surgery or radiation I will be there for her recovery. On March 10th we go back to Boston to the Dana Farber Cancer Institute to set a plan in motion. I’m terrified. I’m trying to be strong. I’m trying to remain positive, but inside I’m just scared.
Whatever is meant to be will be and there’s nothing anyone can do to stop it. But for those of you still out there, who haven’t given up on me, I ask you to please keep my Mom in your prayers and send positive vibes her way.
More than ever I want to get my sh*t together because if something were to happen, I don’t want to be the way that I am now as the lasting memory for my Mom. I want to reach my goal and I want her to see me succeed and be happy. My problem is that it’s so hard for me emotionally to focus on myself when all I can think about is my Mom. I haven’t given up hope for myself. I’m still going to try to put my best foot forward every day. Somehow I believe everything will be ok…some day.
On a more positive note…or should I say fat girl note lol I have discovered hazelnut butter. Now, idk if any of you have ever tried hazelnut butter…which is legit just hazelnuts ground up…but if you like Nutella, and you’re like me and you don’t eat refined sugar..you’re welcome!!! It tastes like Nutella!! I added some cocoa powder and a few dates and well…I saw Heaven if only for a few moments! lol I’m writing down all my recipes and will share eventually, once I get all my eggs together!!
Anyhow, here’s hoping 2017 takes a turn to the positive, and the healthy.