11 days ago I celebrated my 35th birthday. It’s hard to believe I’m 35 already! Where does the time go? Ah the classic question that everyone asks lol every birthday I stop and reflect on the year past and the year ahead.
When I was younger I thought about what life would be like in my 30s. I fantasized about having a husband and kids a nice house, hosting Thanksgiving dinners and baking up goodies with the kids, movie nights with the family, arguing over where to go for dinner…you know normal stuff. But here I am 35 and I have none of that. The only thing I own is some crappy furniture inside an apartment that I rent.
All my life I decided never to settle for anything less than what I deserved. When I was living in Massachusetts I didn’t want to find love because I didn’t want to settle down there I felt like I would be trapped in a crappy job making crappy money, so I didn’t date. Now I come to work in NYC this wonderful land of imagination, power and dreams…this is where I imagined my life beginning. But now it feels like I somehow don’t fit into this city and I’m feeling once again that I don’t want to settle down. It’s funny because back home the men were better but my job sucked and out here the men are terrifying, but my job is great. I’m frustrated. I’ve been here for almost a year and no prospects for love…but I’m starting to think it’s my fault, that maybe I’m not happy in the city and again feeling like this isn’t where I belong. I went to another psychic when I was on vacation in Massachusetts and she told me my heart chakra is blocked and that I was so destroyed by my last relationship that I’m not even really trying to find love. That I was afraid the same thing would happen again. All true. I try to convince myself that I’m fine that I believe in love that I’m not afraid to put myself out there again and then when she said that I felt like she saw through the lies I told myself.
Ah birthdays. I hate them. I don’t care about getting older but every year that passes I think I’ll finally get what I want the American Dream the house the family..and every year I think I’ll get out of my own way and every year I don’t. I don’t know what’s wrong with me. I care more about helping others than helping myself and although it’s a noble trait to have it may also be my biggest downfall.
Either way, here’s hoping this year will be different.