This year has been an emotional roller coaster for me. I spent the majority of my year so far waiting…for good news, bad news, for answers. It’s been hard for to me to even process how I feel most days.
The first 7 months were the hardest. It seemed like one big thing right after another. To say I was emotional was an understatement. My heart weighed me down, and my mind made me crazy, I was depressed.
Trying to stay positive when you’re upset isn’t easy. I had to train myself to learn the art of gratitude, and refill my heart and my mind back up with hope and love each day. That was the only way for me to survive emotionally, and I’m thankful I was able to learn that lesson this year. It keeps me grounded and helps me focus on the good things in my life, instead of fearing the future.
The last few months took me on a roller coaster ride that was filled with happiness, but ended with a broken heart…
In August I met a man, a great man. He was unlike anyone I had met before. It didn’t feel like we were getting to know each other, it felt more like we were catching up, like my soul had known him forever. It was weird and unexplainable, but in a good way. This man was kind, and sweet, respectful and thoughtful, a genuinely good person with a really beautiful soul. It felt as if the universe aligned in order for our paths to cross. The more we talked, the more we realized how much we had in common. It was like we were living parallel lives. He was just like me, and I was just like him. From small things, like pizza and iced tea, to major things, like being an entrepreneur, music, and addiction. We had so many things in common that it couldn’t be explained other than fate…destiny.
My year went from tragic and sad to exciting and hopeful….I felt happy again!
The more time I spent with him, the more I liked him. He was smart (so smart!), funny and romantic, and very handsome. His stories inspired me. It was like he woke up my soul and made me feel alive. I felt motivated and excited again to go after my dreams with him in my corner. He believed in me, and it made me believe in myself.
Everything had seemed so great. We never argued or fought; we never even had a disagreement. He would tell me all the time how grateful he was to have met me, how happy I made him, how amazing I was. He sent me cute emojis and gifs all the time, and called me his ‘Unicorn.’ Then the next thing I knew he began to ignore me and distance himself from me. At one point he just stopped asking me about my day, or how I was doing, and ignored me after my Mom’s breast cancer surgery. That hurt. I simply did not understand why he was acting this way towards me.
It was a whirlwind romance that ended as quickly as it began…before it ever really had a chance to get started.
The way he ended it was upsetting to say the least. He sent me a text message at 8:50AM on a Monday morning, right as I was walking into my office. He said he lost interest and wished we could have had this conversation in person, but then asked if I would want to grab lunch at the end. Why didn’t he just ask me to meet him for lunch to talk?? Why say all of this in a text?? It was painful.
He compared our relationship to a girl he dated last year, which was like a knife to the heart. It made me feel like he didn’t think our connection was special at all, making me feel like I was just like her. That hurt.
He said he wanted to be friends, but I honestly didn’t know if he meant it. I felt like he hated me. He had been ignoring my texts, slow to respond and barely said anything to me when he did. It also didn’t help that my friends at work told me he didn’t like me, and didn’t really want to be friends, that he just wanted me to go away. One of the perks of getting that message at work that day. I couldn’t hide the fact that I was upset and of course everyone had an opinion. Which only confused me more.
I took everything he said to me personally. How could I not? When someone loses interest you can’t help but feel it was you that was the real problem.
It was already an emotional week because my Mom had surgery a few days prior and we were impatiently waiting for her results to see if she was cancer free. I hadn’t slept much, and I had a lot of anxiety that week. When he ended it, my world just flipped upside down again. I was heartbroken.
I was left to pick up the pieces of my broken heart and try to piece them back together again, all the while wondering …why??
Sending a serious text response that your wrote in-between meetings at work…while your co-workers were constantly chiming in with their thoughts on the situation, was not a smart move. I was very emotional and I reacted without thinking it through. I wish I had waited.
I didn’t want to speak from anger, instead I wanted to respond with a positive message, filled with words of love and encouragement, instead of heartache. I wanted him to know how much I believed in him and wanted him to believe in himself. All I ever wanted was for him to be happy. But masked behind what I thought to be inspirational words, were pieces of my broken heart scattered throughout, spilling emotions all over the place. Halfway through it felt like I was writing a letter to myself, trying to convince myself to keep believing.
Broke my own heart more that day. Truth was, I didn’t want to believe any of this was really happening. I was in denial.
Rereading my response the next day was tough. I wish I had waited and never sent it. I never gave myself time to process what he said or how I was feeling, I confused myself and I shouldn’t have listened to anyone else’s opinions. The next day I looked at everything differently…I felt differently… I instantly knew I messed up.
A month went by before he gave me a glimpse into how he felt about everything. He said I overwhelmed him, and he simply couldn’t handle it. Even before my intense response he told me that there were a “lot of little things,” but never said what they were. I have no idea what he’s referring to and it’s upsetting to me.
He said my response to his text was “like getting hit in the chest with an emotional hammer.” That made me really sad, it made me cry actually. That was never my intention. I didn’t even think he would take it that way.
If we had met in person to discuss everything I think we both would have understood each other better and why everything happened the way it did. There was definitely some miscommunication.
He is someone I want in my life, and I want to be a part of his life, even if it means only as friends. I’d like to continue getting to know him, and uncover the reasons why we met to begin with. I don’t believe in coincidence, everything happens for a reason, including our paths crossing.
I’m a good person with a big heart, but I feel very deeply, think deeply…and sometimes that’s my downfall.
If he could have told me how he felt right along, I would have listened. Maybe I should have told him how I felt about his text before I responded at all. No one is perfect, least of all me, but I am always willing to listen so that I can learn about myself, and continue to grow as a person. I would never hurt him, or anyone, intentionally. That’s not who I am.
We can’t help who we care about, our hearts have a mind of their own. I believe people are brought into our lives at just the right time, but it’s up to each of us to figure out why. I’d really like to know why we met.
When I looked into his eyes it felt as if our souls connected. To me, our connection was real…too real for me to believe our story is over. I care about him. I will always care about him, he’s a good person. His friendship is worth fighting for…he is worth fighting for, and I’m not ready to give up the fight.
One day I hope he looks back and realizes my heart was pure, my intentions were good, and our connection really was fate. I hope one day he gives me another chance, and we can start over. Our paths crossed for a reason…a reason I believe we are meant to discover together.
I may have only known him for a short time, but I am grateful to have met him, and I will cherish those memories forever.
All I want to do is just wanna have fun! Life is meant for the living and I’m ALLLLIVEEEE lol Sorry that was me trying to be funny…not my best work I’ll admit lol Carry on!
Good vibes only!!!