February 20, 2017 – Hello Old Friend.

To quote Britney Spears…
“It’s been a while. I know I shouldn’t have kept you waiting. But I’m here now.”
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I had it all planned out. At the end of 2016 I knew what my plan was for 2017. I was ready. I was motivated. I was excited to ring in the New Year…but everything changed on December 27th.

My twin brother alternates Christmas with his wife’s family, so this year we didn’t celebrate Christmas until the 26th. It didn’t bother anyone though because this was also my baby nephew’s first Christmas! Isn’t he just the cutest? We had a great Christmas!
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On December 27th my two brothers, my sister-in-law and my Mom were all sitting in the living room, and that’s when my Mom told us she had cancer. Suddenly everything changed. The tears just streamed down my face, I was in denial. My Mom had cancer twice before, both times beating it…when it came back I felt deflated, scared, broken. I didn’t feel like celebrating the New Year after that. I was no longer excited for 2017, I lost my motivation.

It’s been nearly two months since my Mom told us, she’s been back and forth to the doctors trying to figure out if she has another disease, Cushings, that would prevent her from having surgery. She has lung cancer. A tumor on each of her lungs. My Mom had lung cancer when I was in high school, and they had to remove 1/3 of her left lung. Now everything is uncertain, and it’s scary. There are so many variables, so many complications, so many hurdles and obstacles that my Mom will have to fight and overcome, and there are no guarantees.

I’m grateful to have a job that’s understanding and supportive. Somehow I will make it work to be there for my Mom every step of the way, and whether she has surgery or radiation I will be there for her recovery. On March 10th we go back to Boston to the Dana Farber Cancer Institute to set a plan in motion. I’m terrified. I’m trying to be strong. I’m trying to remain positive, but inside I’m just scared.

Whatever is meant to be will be and there’s nothing anyone can do to stop it. But for those of you still out there, who haven’t given up on me, I ask you to please keep my Mom in your prayers and send positive vibes her way.

More than ever I want to get my sh*t together because if something were to happen, I don’t want to be the way that I am now as the lasting memory for my Mom. I want to reach my goal and I want her to see me succeed and be happy. My problem is that it’s so hard for me emotionally to focus on myself when all I can think about is my Mom. I haven’t given up hope for myself. I’m still going to try to put my best foot forward every day. Somehow I believe everything will be ok…some day.

On a more positive note…or should I say fat girl note lol I have discovered hazelnut butter. Now, idk if any of you have ever tried hazelnut butter…which is legit just hazelnuts ground up…but if you like Nutella, and you’re like me and you don’t eat refined sugar..you’re welcome!!! It tastes like Nutella!! I added some cocoa powder and a few dates and well…I saw Heaven if only for a few moments! lol I’m writing down all my recipes and will share eventually, once I get all my eggs together!!

Anyhow, here’s hoping 2017 takes a turn to the positive, and the healthy.

XOXO,
Michelle

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October 16, 2016 – Work In Progress…

Why is doing nothing…so enjoyable? lol I honestly love doing nothing at all, with no plans, nothing to do, no commitments! Lately I’ve had something going on every weekend and well it’s exhausting haha I wish I could just retire right now, while I’m in my prime! How great would that be? I’d rather retire now, when there’s SO much I want to do, vs when I’m like 70 and have nothing planned but bingo, crossword puzzles, and lunch lol #IfOnly

Once my schedule dies down a little (basically next year lol) and the snow has snowed me in (happily!) and I am confined to my apartment (yay!) I will finally be able to get stuff done!! I shall put a sign on my door ‘Do not disturb’ and by door I mean social media and email since no one actually just stops by anymore lol Ugh I wish they did haha I wouldn’t mind a friendly visit from an unexpected visitor perhaps holding a delectable dip (alliteration, YASS!!!) lol I also miss the days of letters! I mean mail these days is BORING!! I actually get excited when I get a crappy magazine in the mail, at least it fills up my mailbox haha Anyone want to write me letters? I need a pen pal!

Anyhow…focus Michelle! My point is that I know I have big plans for my future, and I also know that I need a drill Sargent barking at me in order for me to get it done! There needs to be a call service where someone keeps calling you yelling at you until you get your list done…and if you don’t answer they knock on your door and yell at you. Basically I need a Jillian Michaels as a life coach/enforcer! lol She can keep her workouts to herself though cause ain’t nobody got time for that haha #DontJudgeMe
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My plan for 2017 is really coming together though and I’m proud of myself! I’m making a schedule/deadlines and will be holding myself accountable. I have put stuff off all year since moving to New York, and I can’t do it anymore. Next year will be completely different. I will finally finish projects I started years ago. I will meet my goals, personally and professionally! I will rise 🙂

As far as 2016 goes, I have lots to figure out in order to make schedules work for 2017, and right now I’m in a trial and error part of my life…cooking, working out, hanging out, working on projects…lots I have to figure out. I’m a work in progress, but I love the challenge.

Life is good!
HopefulAddict

 

 

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September 14, 2016 – My 2017 Commitment to Myself.

Is it too early to start planning for 2017? Lol I’m on a very big mission to figure out this whole work life balance because this past year has been a fail. Legit fail. My day looks like this…get up go to work (hour+) then work (8-10) then go  home (hour+) have dinner, watch TV, destress and then three or four days out of the week I work some more lol Ah NY. I love my job and I love what I’m doing and I also thought NY was so great that Id love that as well. However lol I’m so busy I can’t enjoy the city and when I have time on the weekends all I want to do is not a damn thing lol well sleep if sleep counts. This is living? 

Maybe it’s because I’m older now and I don’t party into the wee hours of the night and come to work hung over like many New Yorkers do…not my thing. I have no desire to party lol I don’t even have time or motivation to hit the gym and lord knows I need to.

Let’s talk about my butt for a minute shall we? Haha in NY compared to the beauties out here I’m like the beast in the castle waiting for some prince to true love kiss me to turn me back into a princess. How come no ones invented that diet? Anyhow I feel like I don’t fit in. The cute chunky girl isn’t desired in a city filled with models actors lawyers and millionaires…who knew? Lol I personally don’t give a crap about dating anymore. I don’t think I’ll find my dream man in this city anyways. But I don’t even have a crush and I know this will sound stupid but I like having a crush so it keeps me motivated! A goal of you will lol no crush and I’m like a chicken running around without its head haha I miss my old crush who was super into his health because we kept each other motivated. You would think I could motivate myself but the only thing I can motivate myself to do is not much in regards to fitness lol

When I was in Massachusetts I worked a 9-5 job. I didn’t love it. Here in NY with this ‘work so much you have life’ attitude…I don’t love it either. The only thing I love here is my brother my sister in law and my adorable nephew Brian!!!! Insert cuteness here…

How sweet is he? Those big eyes so curious about what’s going on! He’s my motivation now. I want to be the best Aunty I can, and the healthiest!! 

2017 is just around the corner but I’m starting to put into place a plan of action. Decisions will need to be made. I’m also working on some big projects that I intend to finish!!! I’m also going to try to start a weekend fitness/morning routine and get back to cooking on Sundays. Most importantly blogging. When I don’t blog I don’t process my emotions and well that’s why my ass is still this size lol. So I’m going to push myself to go back to the way I was and commit.

2017 I’m making a commitment to myself! 

Thanks for sticking with me all these years, you guys keep me going!

XOXO

HopefulAddict

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August 29, 2016 – Munchkin <3

My nephew is the best thing that has ever happened to my family!! He is pure joy and love!! This weekend he was baptized and it was a great weekend celebrating this cute little guy!!! He is just the best!!!!!!!!!!! ❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️

XOXO

Auntie Michelle ☺️

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August 27, 2016 – Anxiety

11 days ago I celebrated my 35th birthday. It’s hard to believe I’m 35 already! Where does the time go? Ah the classic question that everyone asks lol every birthday I stop and reflect on the year past and the year ahead. 

When I was younger I thought about what life would be like in my 30s. I fantasized about having a husband and kids a nice house, hosting Thanksgiving dinners and baking up goodies with the kids, movie nights with the family, arguing over where to go for dinner…you know normal stuff. But here I am 35 and I have none of that. The only thing I own is some crappy furniture inside an apartment that I rent. 

All my life I decided never to settle for anything less than what I deserved. When I was living in Massachusetts I didn’t want to find love because I didn’t want to settle down there I felt like I would be trapped in a crappy job making crappy money, so I didn’t date. Now I come to work in NYC this wonderful land of imagination, power and dreams…this is where I imagined my life beginning. But now it feels like I somehow don’t fit into this city and I’m feeling once again that I don’t want to settle down. It’s funny because back home the men were better but my job sucked and out here the men are terrifying, but my job is great. I’m frustrated. I’ve been here for almost a year and no prospects for love…but I’m starting to think it’s my fault, that maybe I’m not happy in the city and again feeling like this isn’t where I belong. I went to another psychic when I was on vacation in Massachusetts and she told me my heart chakra is blocked and that I was so destroyed by my last relationship that I’m not even really trying to find love. That I was afraid the same thing would happen again. All true. I try to convince myself that I’m fine that I believe in love that I’m not afraid to put myself out there again and then when she said that I felt like she saw through the lies I told myself. 

Ah birthdays. I hate them. I don’t care about getting older but every year that passes I think I’ll finally get what I want the American Dream the house the family..and every year I think I’ll get out of my own way and every year I don’t. I don’t know what’s wrong with me. I care more about helping others than helping myself and although it’s a noble trait to have it may also be my biggest downfall.

Either way, here’s hoping this year will be different.

Happy birthday to me! 🙂

XOXO HopefulAddict

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August 3, 2016 – What a Chakra!

In just a few weeks I’ll be turning 35. Crazy. I feel like my personal life is equivalent to a teenager, as in I’m just starting out lol I wish I had someone to share these joyous moments in my life, but alas I do not.

I recently went on vacation to Cape Cod. It was amazing! Beaches and sunsets all day long!
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But I also went to see a psychic…cause that’s how I roll and she told me that my heart Chakra was blocked lol What a chakra! Get it? haha shocker…get it? I know I’m super clever I can’t help it! But she said to unblock it, it would be $100! Yeah…no.
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She told me my last relationship ruined me so much that I was completely devastated and I don’t trust men at all, so much so that I don’t even really try to find a new relationship. I was like get out of my head, TRUE!! haha

It’s funny because I feel like I’m open to love, but she was so right about how I feel that I realized I’m not actually open to love. I live in fear because I’m worried about repeating my mistakes, or ending up with another man who breaks my heart.

Ah love. Why is love so complicated? Why can’t it just be as easy as, “I think I’ll fall in love today with the love of my life and live happily ever after!” lol Wouldn’t that be nice?

I think I’ve watched too much Bachelorette lol Team Luke for the win! (TV reference, unimportant to life in general, the end lol)

XOXO
HopefulAddict

 

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July 8, 2016 – Self Reflection 

I was watching Parks and Recreation on Netflix today (I have never watched this before but it’s hilarious!) and I couldn’t help but love the characters. I know TV shows are designed to make you love these people but it made me think a lot about my own life and how I choose to live it. It’s funny that a silly TV show can make you do that lol but it did!

I think a lot of people go about their daily lives with so many distractions that they lose sight of themselves. When you think about it when is the last time you stopped to think about what you like and don’t like? It’s been a long time for me. 

Lately I’ve been hating NYC in the summer lol The subways are like saunas it smells like garbage no matter where you go, the air is thick and polluted and I sweat before I get to work in those terrible buses and trains lol it’s not something I’ve liked at all. Ah NY the land of opportunity and promise yet I’m wondering how long I actually want to stay here.

The other day I was telling my best friend Mary about my commute and how much I hate it and she asked me, “If you were to move where would you go?” Such a simple question and yet she stumped me. I had no idea what it was I wanted or where I would go. So it got me thinking a lot and I did some self reflection although I still haven’t figure out the where or the why I have figured out that when it comes to my long term happy place, NYC doesn’t make the cut. It’s funny because I spent so long trying to get back here only to realize it’s not at all what I want anymore. 

The opportunities I have here in the big city are the reason I came here. Figure out my career and lay down the groundwork and move on. When my brother had a baby everything changed. I wanted to be close to him so I could watch him grow up. But now I don’t know if staying is right for me. 

Life. So many choices to make. I’m not worried about making the wrong choice because I don’t ever believe that there is such a thing. I think every choice leads you to another life lesson. A path you were meant to explore and grow from. I have no regrets in any decision I’ve made, but now I have to think about making some new decisions. 

Sitting down with a blank piece of paper and making a roadmap of all the great things I actually want in my life. Figuring out what would really make me happy, and where I would live that would bring me endless joy. I thought I knew all along, I thought it was NY. But I don’t think that’s the case anymore, and not just because of the commute. I find myself wanting a house and a family of my own somewhere nice near the water maybe. Parks and Recreation is all about this small town and I have to say I find small towns appealing. True there’s a lot less to do but having too much to do makes you want to do nothing.

My weight is a direct reflection of my own happiness. I found a career I love in a company I love and that makes me happy and I’ve been able to lose ten pounds! May not sound like much but it means I’m feeling more myself and that makes me happy. But there’s something missing and I’m not sure what it is.

I’m on a mission to find it and I hope all of you find what makes you happy too!

XOXO

HopefulAddict

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